Two for Flinching

The Haystack

2010-05-21T09:59:00.001-07:00

Dear facebook, google, spokeo, and all you other fucking assholes-

Most people are goofy and super boring. I know you think stealing everyone's information is a good business practice and sneaking around in the name of what? marketing and national security or whatever your lameass greedy stupidity that passes for rationalization is telling you - but leave people alone. Your greed and what passes for "natural curiosity" is an abomination and you should be punched in the junk repeatedly.

Chapter 2

2010-05-12T20:09:00.000-07:00

Now as most people know, this universe is a fascinating place. For instance, in this universe, that which receives attention - grows. Also, that focused intention will often bring the desired result. But you must be careful.

So five years had past since the royal wedding and things seemed to be coming along nicely. The young princes were busy growing and learning and the Kingdom was beginning to thrive.

But the mind and the heart are very tricky things. And deep in the heart and mind of both the King and the Queen was the want of a daughter. And this want began to consume them.

Each day, the Queen would long to put a little girl in dresses and brush her hair into ringlets. Each day the King would long to bounce a smiling girl on his knee. A girl who would be different. Who would have a gentle girl's temperament and would not vex him so.

Years past and still the longing grew. And unbeknownst to them, a girl was in their future. Just over the horizon.

Meanwhile, the Princes were coming along nicely. They were doing well at their studies - Dasich in particular. His royal tutors recommended he study along with his elder brother, Dases. Dases was a natural at games and sports. And Dasuberich was very clever and had lots of charm. They were each natural leaders and their many talents shone through among the others of their age.

Three long years passed and so her surprise and delight, the Queen found herself again with child. If only this one is a girl, it would be the fulfillment of her greatest and most powerful wish. The King and the Queen turned their thoughts to The Crutch and pleaded.

The Crutch makes many promises. A very terrible villain once asserted that falsehoods and fake promises would be accepted by people only if they were so colossal that no one would believe that someone could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously. And so the King and Queen believed that their future and the future of their unborn child was in the hands of The Crutch. And so they thought. And they waited.

Finally, the day came for the new baby to be born. The young princes waited with anticipation. The 1st Prince was already halfway to manhood and as the eldest, planned to protect her as he had done with his brothers. The 2nd Prince waited with quiet calm and prepared to be his most helpful as he had been with his younger brother.

The 3rd Prince was not as prepared as his brothers. He had been the youngest for over five years and was quite used to his position in the family and the focused attention of the Queen whom he loved fervently and considerably more than she knew. This new baby would usurp his position. And the Queen seemed entirely too excited.

The baby was born. The Kingdom waited with great anticipation. Finally, the King emerged:

"It's a girl."

And there was much rejoicing.

Up in the royal bedchambers, the Queen stared at the new Princess. It had finally happened. She had been born to them and now they were complete. The King joined her. And they stared at the new Princess. And they searched their hearts for what they would call her. What do you name your heart's ultimate desire?

"Desiree."

And she was brought to The Wholly Crutch in fine garments and washed in lie. These were before the truly dark days. But they were about to begin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Desiree was a happy baby and was showered with presents and gifts. The King and Queen doted on the new Princess and the Princes loved their new sister, but very differently. One as her protector, one as her caretaker, and one with great caution.

As the Kingdom rejoiced at her birth, the 3rd Prince, who was very clever and observant, noticed the new and different sparkle in the eyes of his mother and the new and different twinkle in the smile of his father when they regarded her. His already tender and fragile heart broke and he began to change.

End of Chapter 2.

A Fable for our Times.

2010-05-09T15:25:00.000-07:00

Once Upon a Time...

...there was a King and Queen. The King was known to have had a mighty temper, but later would mellow with age. The Queen was known to value beautiful surroundings, beautiful words, and perfection above all things. She was ofter overheard saying things like, "If all is beautiful, then what could be wrong?"

They presided over a kingdom that for its first 45 years was guided by the rules of the time called "The Wholly Crutch". Some of the rules of the "Crutch" were very cruel like repeating poetry to alter the natural pathways of the thinking parts. Another cruel practice was to scrub all the residents of the kingdom with a soap called "lie". These practices, among many others, caused terrible and permanent harm.

The Wholly Crutch exerted influence over many Kingdoms in many different lands. It had great wealth and great power and used that power to gain even more power. Even to those who understood The Crutch for what it was were puzzled as to how to stop it.

This made it much harder for the King and Queen to rule as they would have wished had they been raised without these practices. They had lived with the poems and the "lie" for so long, that though it made no logical sense, it felt normal and natural. They had been discouraged from questioning and exploring their natural instincts to investigate (another devious practice), and so the early years of their reign was almost entirely influenced by the power of The Crutch.

At the beginning of their reign, they were only barely out of childhood. However, they found themselves very luckily in love and were hopeful about their future. Shortly after the wedding, and in the many ways of men, the King found himself called to battle, and the Queen was left behind, and with child.

Following the rules of The Wholly Crutch, the Queen prepared to produce an heir. She waited patiently for the King's return and did her best to beautify the castle. The Wholly Crutch demanded Princes. And so she waited.

Barely a year after the royal wedding, the 1st Prince of the kingdom was born.

The 1st Prince, Dases, was beautiful. But was born with a broken heart. The King and Queen took the baby to the Healing Temple for the Shaman to repair him, which he did, but the original wound would haunt him for his entire life.

The King and Queen were rightly devastated by the ordeal of possibly losing their firstborn. They spent much time thinking about The Wholly Crutch and how it could help their baby. But The Wholly Crutch does not have such powers. Eventually, the Prince recovered. The Crutch received quiet thanks for help it had not actually given.

Devious are the ways of The Crutch.

The King went off to battle shortly thereafter. And due to the rules of The Crutch, the Queen found herself again with child.

As the fable is told, the Queen wept and wept. She had just survived the ordeal of nearly losing her first child, and now another was on the way. And she was so young and so alone. Instead of the news being greeted with joy, it was greeted with pain and sorrow.

The 2nd Prince, Dasich, was healthy. But his birth came with the price of severe hardship. And though he was loved, the pallor that surrounded his conception would become a quiet theme for his lifetime.

The King and Queen reigned as best they could. The King was barely of age and had experienced a lack of quietly confident masculinity to model himself after. He had many struggles with himself and with his tempers.

The Queen found herself often overwhelmed. At a time when she would have otherwise been developing into a worldly woman, she had two infants.

And another one on the way.

The 3rd Prince of the Kingdom, Dasuberich, was spirited and independent. These were excellent traits to have with what was to follow.

Though the Kingdom was beautiful and full of promise, three young and active princes were a lot of work. Soon, they were seen as a group or a pack. Though there were mighty squabbles, the closeness of their birth made them intensely bonded. They gained an understanding of each other that was even beyond the grasp of their parents.

For five years, the King and Queen and their Kingdom watched the Princes grow. They were all handsome, all intelligent, all great warriors, and had great gifts. What was similar about them strengthened their bond, and what was different strengthened it even more.

As was tradition, they were taught the ways of The Wholly Crutch. They repeated the poems, the ritual of "lie", they were bathed in the waters and dressed in the costumes. They were instructed not to question. They looked to the King and Queen and the King and Queen looked on.

End of Chapter 1.

I'm just "keepin it real" too, you sad, strange little man.

2009-09-14T09:15:00.000-07:00

I guess this is a week for really bad manners.

First, Representative Douche from some Carolina - I don't really know which and it probably does not matter - yells out (and is just plain wrong and stupid) at our President.

Now Kanye.

Now those of you who know me, and I assume that anyone reading this does, know that I do not generally care about things of this nature. I don't watch MTV, I don't listen to the music of Taylor Swift OR Kanye West, I don't think shows that award "best-of"s are important when it comes to the arts. Art is subjective.

But watching the shock and embarrassment of a lovely young woman whose moment and dignity were stolen by an insecure, immature, paranoid, spotlight grubbing, classless, irrelevant hack.

I am old enough to be Taylor Swift's mom and as I watched her face - confused, shocked, crestfallen, embarrassed - I felt a combination of emotions that culminated in a little bit of anger. An emotion that I experience rarely, but when I do, it usually will result in some ranting. What if that were MY daughter up there? Holy hell.

I am old enough to remember when videos made entertainers. I remember when MTV was in its infancy, when it was in its heyday, when it jumped the shark. It represents everything good and bad about media, it shaped careers, it cock blocked talented, deserving people from achieving their goals. MTV is a mix of everything.

Money and fame don't buy you class. They don't buy you manners. They don't buy you a sense of propriety. The very thing that can make a person famous can expose their true self if they decide to publicly vomit up their own undoing.

Beyonce is kind of a mystery to me. Her music is fine. Her passion and commitment are impressive. I think she is overexposed and should sometimes turn down things she isn't right for like dance numbers with Hugh Jackman. But her beauty, dignity and compassion last night make me a admirer of her, the person.

Finally, the only real way to make a person like Kanye go away is to ignore them. So I will. Starting............ now.

It's true, my birthday is fast approaching.

2009-08-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

Hello Gentle Readers,

As you may or may not know, my birthday is almost upon us. And by that I mean about a month out.

In an effort to help, I will tell you now what I want more than anything else in the world:

A Michael Jackson Hair Diamond.

Apparently, some people have gotten a hold of his hair (oh sweet jeebus SOMEBODY find out how they got his hair and tell me). Their cunning plan is to reduce it to carbon and then press it into a diamond. Diamond(S) plural. Oh yes.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/chi-talk-michael-jackson-hairjul29,0,5500867.story

I will accept all Michael Jackson Hair Diamonds in any form you wish to express your love for me. But I would really like one in a giant tiara I can wear around.

Chase Bank, you clever girl...

2009-08-25T14:22:00.000-07:00

So the Battle in Seattle with Chase Bank goes like this...

Both of the kids had their savings accounts at WaMu. I received two letters from them in the past month. The essence of which was this:

Dear Ms. Mains - we noticed you had this account with WaMu. In order to keep the account with Chase, you will need to sign the bottom of this form, detach it, insert it into stamped and addressed envelope provided, and return it to us. Otherwise we will turn over the funds to the FDIC. Thanks.

Here's the catch - there was NO ENVELOPE provided and NO HINT about where it needed to be mailed.

Now, there isn't a ton of money in their accounts, but the accounts are THEIRS, not mine.

So I drive over to Chase and give them the slips. They tell me they don't know where the forms go, either. In fact, they puzzle over the forms for a few minutes.

So I ask them what I am supposed to do.

After many moments of consultation, they decide that if I simply deposit a small amount of money, that it will suffice to provide the amount of "transferability" to Chase from WaMu.

Money is so 1980s. Barter system anyone??

Location, location, location...

2009-08-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

Upon visiting Jennifer at Northwest Hospital yesterday, I noticed that the cemetary is conveniently located RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.

How lucky is that?

Not for Jenn, but for others.

When I inquired of the parking attendant if the peopple who died in the hospital were taken across to the cemetary for convenient and expedient burial, she just looked at me like I was crazy.

I am still awaiting an answer.

I need a transplant.

2009-08-19T08:33:00.000-07:00

Once again, I awake with a UTI - or for those of you just tuning in, Urinary Tract Infection.

If you haven't experienced one, I feel sorry for you. There's nothing like the feeling of searing, burning agony as you express your bladder. Nothing like feeling like you HAVE TO GO (or "urgency" as the lingo goes), continuously, until the meds kick in.

If you have a spare urinary tract laying around the house, please give me a call. I will gladly trade you something valuable for it or just make an outright purchase. Please check eBay and Craigslist for current market value before setting your price.

Talk to you soon!

Gentlemen! Just some hints and tidbits to give you a bit of a helping hand (as it were)...

2009-08-17T11:13:00.000-07:00

My darlings, just because a woman flirts with you does not mean she wants to sleep with you.

Just because a woman flirts with you does not mean she is physically attracted to you.

Just because a woman flirts with you does not mean that she is willing to cheat on her spouse/boyfriend/partner.

Just because a woman flirts with you does not mean she is open to, or open to being talked into even the most superficial of sexual scenarios up to and including holding hands, lingering hugs, goodnight kisses, being sniffed, being groped, being felt up, nuzzling, dry humping, making out, or the like.

Flirting is fun. Intellectual compatibility is great, but only one of an infinite number of variables that would gain one entrance to the promised land. Flirting is an adventure, and it gives the message, "I think you're neato" - but is not code for "let's fuck!" No. It's not. I'm not lying. It really isn't.

If you want to know if you have a shot, just ask. Ask. Even though it goes against your training. Because you have been trained wrong. A hesitation is a no. A maybe is a no. A no is a no. An "aren't you sweet" head tilt is a no. A look away is a no. A sheepish grin is a no. A subject change is a no. A "why are you asking" look or gesture is a no.

Women DO know in the first two minutes if you have a shot with them. Usually less. It has to do with a myriad of different hard-wired cues including how you look, how you smell, how the chemistry is, how the eye contact is, if you have any characteristics that are a turn off (and most of these are instinctual and not in her control to override), or a million other possible things. It's not personal, it's just business. And the business of women is to screen out the unsatisfactory potential mates. Whatever the reason.

Sex drive is Mother Nature's way of ensuring the continuation of the species - BUT GOOD JUDGEMENT and picking up the cues are YOUR WAYS of living in a more reasonable reality instead of the pursuit of the un-gettable. And it's subsequent resentment and crankiness.

I hate to give too much credibility to this, but the advice in "Hitch" was quite good. The key fiddling, the 90% lean in, the paying attention. When a woman is actually into you sexually, the green light is unmistakable.

Women also have the pesky habit of changing their minds or putting on the brakes during the stages of the transaction. There are many reasons for this including - they re-think their willingness to be naked with you, you said something to blow the deal, you ate something that gave you a bad odor, you have a previously undiscovered physical characteristic that turns them off, you reminded them of a bad relationship, etc, etc.

If they change their minds, but you don't and decide that they don't have the right to put on the brakes, that's called rape, it's called assault, it makes you a sexual predator. I mention this because some guys have the nutty idea that once the launch sequence is started, it's the responsibility of everyone involved to see it to its conclusion. This is faulty reasoning and maybe a clue as to why the brakes were put on in the first place. You may be a creep. Just sayin.

I also will make mention of "There's Something About Mary". Yes. Please. Empty the gun. It's great advice. There are extreme differentials in the sexual imperative. A little pragmatism goes a long way.

Finally, the mating game is a dangerous and dicey place for everyone. Be safe and smart. There is a lid for every pot. I promise.

On Matchmaking...

2009-08-15T18:38:00.000-07:00

Matchmaking is bad. Sorry, but it just is.

A long, long time ago, there was a girl who thought that all the people she loved should meet and get along and have friendships and maybe sometimes, fall in love and be happy and live in extreme bliss.

She found, after mixing friends together, that this does not always happen. And that even though there was the strength of those original bonds, that it rarely translates outwardly between the friends.

In fact, one time, she went so far as to instigate a romance between her best friend and a close relative. This romance produced lies, duplicity, a smear campaign, selective remembering of events, cheating, spying, and when the dust had settled, the blame was placed entirely on the girl's shoulders.

As a result, the girl not only swore off matchmaking, but stopped holding hope in her heart that the people she loved would even be polite to each other.

Would that this story had a happy ending. Or that there are any endings, ever. There don't really seem to be - life is fluid, and all events and their impacts have ripple effects throught one's lifetime.

Anywhoo, this sad parable is filled with lessons learned. And will explain why, if asked, I will try to abstain from interference in anything smacking of a matchmake.

Riddle me this...

2009-08-12T16:23:00.000-07:00

Why do so many women love the mushy-romantic bodice rippers, yet so few women seem to be engaged in or in pursuit of a regular sex life?

Is it that the men in real life don't measure up? Is it unrealistic expectations? Is it settling for the wrong man?

I just finished The Time Traveler's Wife. I think better would have been The Time Traveler and His Wife. Not really focused on her so much as them, but whatever, not my book.

Their sexcapades are all over almost every scene. He's constantly cupping her breasts. Constantly. Cupping. Her breasts. I don't think my husband would like it if I just cupped his sack all the time. I think it would make him uncomfortable. I think he would have to talk to me about it.

That said, I think we have a pretty intensely awesome sex life - but I also think we are in the minority.

So why the craving for the book romance and not real life? Why the escapism and not the reality? Ladies? What's going on there??

It's the butt sex, stupid.

2009-08-01T17:05:00.001-07:00

So I'm walking into Bed, Bath and Beyond (the Beyond is my favorite part) and there's this guy following his wife into the store with the usual whine, "do I HAVE to? Why can't I just wait in the car?"

So I gently walk up from behind and say, "Entering this store does not make you gay. Butt sex with men makes you gay."

I was pleasantly surprised at the shocked smile he presented me with and a quick, but nervous laugh.

"True," he said.

"Go stand in the knife section for a few minutes to get acclimated to the store," I offered and breezed in the other direction.

We crossed paths again a few minutes later as he was giving an opinion on a shower curtain: "I don't like that one."

"You're doin' just fine," I said as I placatingly patted his arm. "You're gonna be alright."

How fickin hard is this?

2009-07-19T10:21:00.000-07:00

It's be-a-utiful today. I am hoping to be able to actually relax for a moment.

Now I know what you're thinnking. Either you don't think I can do it (likely). Or you are wondering what will happen to all of my projects if I take a breather. Not a breather by way of being distracted or re-purposed, but a real breather. Answer: I don't know.

I have tiny blips like - Bite of Seattle, that might be fun. What about arranging your calendar so you don't forget things, important things, like gigs and people you need to contact.

But what about the day of rest? What ABOUT that? When did I think that rest was deserving of stress? That there's something wrong with me if I don't keep going because I feel like I didn't accomplish enough? When did I start head tripping myself so consistently and with such cunning?

So I'm just going to fuck around today. In the face of my regular work, the unpacking, the parenting, the dog, the kids, the husband, the guests, the party planning, the bands, the show.

I will still be accepting calls, but only about frivolous things.

Stuffs...

2009-06-23T07:55:00.000-07:00

Good day to you.

A while ago I made a committment to write for pleasure and in the past few months have been woefully lacking in the inspiration it takes to do these up right. Ironically, this also coincides with a definitive lack of weirdness in my life to report on.

I have found that the more serious business I do, the less creative fun there seems to be - particularly as most of the people one must interact with to get anything done are missing some essential personality traits that are necessary for fun. Like the ability to have or recognize fun.

If you are an exception to this, please understand how much gratitude I have for you.

If I slow the business part down, and try to go about it "organically" I find that less than nothing gets done, and therefore conflicts me entirely.

On another delightful note, my boy has decided to go full-on surly. I guess this is what armpit hair does. This is why I'm having all mine lasered off. I could go the rest of my life without approaching surly.

We are moving into the new house this week. I have a lot of packing to do. Well, not a lot, but just enough to make me a little crazy.

That said, does anyone need a desk painted teal or a bureau that's natural wood and pink?

Real Housewives. Really?

2009-05-31T16:34:00.000-07:00

"One day, all fake people will be exposed."

God I'm learning so much from the Real Housewives of New Jersey.

Folklife. In all it's glory.

2009-05-25T19:13:00.000-07:00

Folklife Festival was this weekend and I had the pleasure of enjoying my dear friend entertain the masses with some slack-key guitar playing - his festival debut. The music was beautiful. His daughter danced. His sister danced. He was very focused and could not tell how still and silent the room was. I wish he had truly been able to see the faces in his audience. It was a magical set.

Now, the rest of folklife was exactly as expected. Drum circles everywhere. Dreadlocks on babies. Punk-ass bitches. "Please never act like that..." I say to the boy everytime we pass them.

"I smell B.O." That was my favorite. Had a delicious crepe. Bought some great earrings.

Lots of teenagers giving Free Hugs. Hell Yeah. Only some of them didn't mean it. I hugged the one who was really offering. Embarrassed the boy. Delicious.

Cut to the quick...

2009-05-14T17:53:00.000-07:00

"I got a new hair in a new place today."

Oh dear god.

So I asked: "Where?"

He smiles.

"Somewhere you can show me?"

He nods.

"Do you want to show me?"

He nods. Pulls his arm out of his sleeve. Raises arm.

For a moment, I had a fleeting thought that he had imagined it and I was about to give him bad news. No indeed, you do not have an armpit hair. But there it was. A singular hair. Staring at me.

At home I grabbed my phone. Texted Rachel. Her answer: "Pluck it." Brilliant.

He was having none of it.

PLUS - today was the sex talk at school. He told me they discussed the three kinds of sex: regular, anal, and oral. Wait till he finds out the rest of the kinds.

Tomorrow they have three more hours of sex ed. I expect hiim to come home with a full beard and a broken hip.

Somebody get me a drink.

Same shit, different day.

2009-05-13T07:00:00.000-07:00

I find it amazing the number of mental shackles people put on other people, people put on themselves, people decide they need to wear.

This week my mind turns to religion - it's in the news constantly - with one fascinating story line currently and forever in my crosshairs.

First, notorious child rapist priest takes the stand and give a great acting performance. He says he's sorry. What a lie. He was recently spotted chatting up some children in his neighborhood. He admits to raping 30 - now 60, 65 boys - he doesn't know how many cause there ARE SO MANY.

I don't approve of violence, but it's remarkable that nobody has taken a shot at him. At least one suicide is attributed to his "ministering". He destroyed so many lives and the church not only allowed it, but enabled it. What excellent people these characters are.

So what makes a person allow child rape? What makes a person sacrifice innocent children for the "good" of an institution?

Brainwashing.

...as defined: Intensive, forcible indoctrination, usually political or religious, aimed at destroying a person's basic convictions and attitudes.

I guess it could be argued that because religious indoctrination begins usually at birth and therefore precedes the development of convictions and attitudes, that the definition cannot necessarily be applied here.

However as I look over now two decades of watching the fallout and devastation of the church's handiwork, I wish for everyone to take stock, take note, take personal inventory about what we believe and why we believe it - and if any of those beliefs are okay.

Also a few thoughts to accompany those thoughts:

~I think it's weird that the child rapists that the church enable attempt to give apologies. They're not sorry. Nobody believes their sorry. People who are sorry make amends and try to change. But I guess with the invention of "confession" and the goofy, fake wiping away of sins thing they made up, they have been trained that they can say ANYTHING.

~I think it's weird that people are surprised that the church is still trying to cover stuff up. It's all they know. I'm always surprised by authentic change. Once the brain wiring becomes solidified, real change is nearly impossible.

~I am increasingly aware of how shame plays a part in everyone's decision making. Body image shame, financial shame, career shame, sexual shame, etc - it's so powerful, so bad for you and such a great tool to manipulate people.

~It fascinates me when someone's opinions spark their action or creativity. Whether is be inventing the light bulb or bombing an abortion clinic. We can convince ourselves ANYTHING is right with enough justification. And the more practice we have at repeateding beliefs in things that are based on nothing, the easier it is to make other things less horrific, marginalize and justify violence, make the ends justify the means. It's precious.

Preying on unhappy, desperate people is not okay. Offering magical thinking as a substitute for facing problems and acquiring the skills needed to overcome obstacles is not okay. Snake oil is not medicine even though is may taste like Robitussin. Control is not compassion. Greed for the sake of charity is not moral. Raping our babies to keep wealth and land - what does that make those people? I don't think we've invented that word yet.

I'm practicing logic right now. I'm practicing joy. I'm practicing smarts. I'm practicing compassion. I'm practicing mental health. I'm practicing action. I'm practicing truth.

You're all invited.

Bea - you were BEA-utiful.

2009-04-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

Is it just me, or is everyone sad about the passing of Bea Arthur?

Her dry, deadpan delivery. Her wit. Her groundbreaking, trailblazing career.

How many mornings after gigs have I woken up only to remark, "I sound just like Bea Arthur"?

How many punchlines to how many jokes? Jesus. And then to see her roast Pamela Anderson - so ancient, but still got it. Still hilarious.

How sad must Sarah Silverman be who roasted Bea with such sweet perfection. And now "flabbedy vagina" is used by women everywhere, particularly in my circles.

What a tragic loss. What a great broad.

What's that SOUND?

2009-04-23T09:44:00.000-07:00

Jesus Horatio Christ what is that sound my car is making? A brake noise? A grinding in the front driver's side wheelwell?

Doesn't it understand that as a Jew I have been bred over many generations to not only be helpless in this situation, but terrified to my very soul?

As much as I know I am a strong, capable woman, I want some brilliant entrepreneur to invent the TOTAL SERVICE PLAN.

Track My Mileage
Come to my Home
Replace my CAR with LOANER
TAKE MY CAR IN for servicing
BRING IT BACK and take back the Loaner

FULL FRICKIN SERVICE

I require full service.

Full Goddamn Service.

Somebody please make this happen.

Big Fat Update

2009-04-20T20:45:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to check back in for a few weeks now. Did you miss me? Of course you did.

This spring has seen a massive tectonic shift in the directions of my weirdo existence. But that's not what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about the tea bagging.

This past week saw a weak-ass attempt by the right to use one of the most important turning point events in our country's short history to make a new "point"? Was it a point? I'm not sure any more with them cause they seem like such dummies.

Anywhoo, seeing creepy white people carrying around teabags (No bags back in the day, people. Just loose tea. Back when destroying a shipment of something so beautifully simple made a world-wide impact), it made me tear up a bit (just in one eye) at the missed, but perfect, metaphor.

In an amazing coincidence, my friend Jane recently bragged about having conquered the Dutch Oven. But she meant cooking something. She makes me smile and cock my head to the right a bit.

On a different but related note...

Now that the Big Time Show with Super Mega Stars is over, I will embark on my own smaller effort on September 21st - World Day of Peace - and also my birthday.

The set list is coming along nicely - as is the small but powerful guest list of players.

The event will benefit Water 1st International - www.water1st.org - a wonderful organization whose devoted army of caring nut jobs build sustainable water projects for the poorest of villages in the poorest of countries and emancipates the little girls from a lifetime of carrying water.

Ironic that the crazy people here are intentionally polluting water with tea to make a misguided and inaccurate "point" when there are over a billion people worldwide who don't have access to clean water. Hmmm...

Seacrest out.

The Grammys - inside/outside perspective...

2009-02-09T08:53:00.000-08:00

I love an awards show. I do. My favorite is the Golden Globes because my movie and TV people are all there in the same room getting wicked drunk.

Last night was the Grammy Awards. As a musician, I always brace myself for this event, because it represents the best and the worst in both this industry and in human behavior in general.

When the industry decided to pre-package pretty people and, through the power of technology, make them sound like they can sing on-key, the dicey and slippery slope of credibility permanently reared it's ugly head. I am sad to say that showmanship now trumps having real chops and understanding the artistry of selling a song properly - but we are a visual species and as I am so fond of saying, "people don't know shit about music". As went a goodly portion of last night.

Here are some personal highlight/lowlights for me:

~I have no idea what Carrie Underwood was singing about. On the bright side, her beautiful, girl guitar player was shredding up a storm. Not a lot of story in her solo, but nice to see girls showing their chops to an international audience.

~The two little girls singing together and pretending to be friends was sweet, but the song only suited one of their voices. Also, it was weird to watch one of them sharing the focus and the other singing by herself - clearly the song was way to high for her anyway - and overacting so badly that even my husband instinctively snorted at the goofiness.

~MIA about to explode with child was hilarious as the men all yelled and postured around her. God I love slam poetry.

~I can't even comment on Sugarland. Begging a man who is doing another woman to please stay is everything that nauseates me about my gender. Give me a fucking break. And NO LEGGINGS FOR YOU, MISSY! And a better conditioner for your hair. I couldn't tell if you were 25 or 55. But I looked it up and you are only 34. Lighten up. You come off as somebody's mother-in-law.

~Nobody believes that Morgan Freeman and Kenny Chesney are friends in real life. Or that he's straight.

~I love Jennifer Hudson so much I want to lick her face.

Seacrest out.

Pizzle? Fo Shizzle!

2009-02-01T08:48:00.000-08:00

Well, as most things happen, I am blogging today because my awesome new friend rediscovered her love of blogging and I realized that I had not blogged in a while. Not since we got a new President. Not since the holidays.

I have lots of personal news in that time - much of which you, my devoted reader, will care nothing about.

~We finally got a dog. My husband named her Rosie - I was more in the Jezebel/Stellaluna arena, but the naming was his right and seems to suit her.

Rosie is half black lab and half German shepherd. She is wicked smart, very snuggly, and very chill. She is teething right now and we have been trying out different chew sticks with her to save our arms, hands, feet, and shoes from her vicious and razor-sharp puppy teeth.

So I bought her a highly recommended chew stick called a "pizzle". When I read the word "pizzle", my Spidey senses started to tingle. It scared me and I didn't know why.

As suspected, "Pizzle" means "Dick". She is working her way through Bull Penis. Weirder still is running around the house, locating the bull dick, picking it up, carrying it to her, and offering it in the place of whatever item she is currently destroying. As bad as that sounds, it is worse to watch my eight-year-old daughter, pizzle in hand, saying -"Rosie Baby do you want your pizzle? Do you want your pizzle?"

Indeed she does.

~I finished the first draft of my screenplay. Now I have to find out if I am breaking any copyright laws and start chunking through re-writes. Bleck.

~I have a good pitch for a TV show and most of a pilot written.

~I have a treatment for a radio show ready to go for me and a dear friend to co-host.

~I have a new band. www.myspace.com/intheknowonline In addition to my other bands, this makes 5. I think you can never have enough bands. Until you do.

~My super-secret plans for Total World Domination are coming along nicely. It helps to get a full night's sleep every once in a while and maybe have partners who aren't psycho and totally self-destructive.

...I remember fondly the days when I was clinically depressed and would hide in bed most of the day... Now I sit here - ten windows open for my ADD-like multi-tasking - realizing there are not enough hours left in my life to get done what I need to. "The Way We Were" is muted in the background while I ponder about Bab's amazing skin and flawless nails - always with the nails, that one.

I will wrap with this: KUOW changed my life again with the introduction of Sir Ken Robinson. I am amazed that it takes a bunch of degrees and a British accent to make some of the points I have been railing about hit home with you people, but there it is. Go find out about him. Go watch his stuff on youtube. Please.

HEED update: 1st Annual Day of Vanity will be Oscar night and 1st Annual Day of Lust will be Valentine's Day. Plan accordingly!

New Religion! Join or not, we don't give a crap.

2008-11-27T08:38:00.000-08:00

Inspired by the likes of Jesus, Buddha, Joseph Smith, L. Ron Hubbard, and those who have come before us, my girlfriend Rachel and I have decided to start a new religion. I mean, it's just as plausible as walking on water, sitting under a tree for years, magic underpants and aliens...

Having been raised in an uptight, clenched, unhappy and generally immoral society, I took some time to reflect what organized religions were teaching people and how very off-track they are.

First, organized religions share a bunch of traits that I disapprove of:

1 - They discourage critical thinking and suppress free will.
2 - They purport to know with certainty the thoughts and intentions of a supreme being that they can't prove exists.
3 - They sell the value of buying into a life where one relies on abject mysticism for one's health and well-being.
4 - They restrict or put arbitrary rules on normal human behaviors and urges, particularly the ones that cause pleasure.
5 - They preach a loving and perfect deity who can do no wrong, while at the same time justify rectifying the imperfect world he created with cruelty, hate, war, prejudice, guilt, fear, etc.
6 - They reject that which is provable - like science - if it doesn't serve them.
7 - They are suspiciously concerned with the thoughts, feelings, and choices of others while living deliciously hypocritical lives.
8 - They love punishment and deprivation.
9 - Do I have to go on? I think I've made my point.

- As an aside, I have several friends who make the argument that organized religions are good because of all their charitable work. While I do admit that there is an aspect of the charitable work that had merit, the obligatory recruitment angle/agenda makes it a crappy reason to tell me religion is good. We should be taking good care of each other for its own sake. If the religions took all the money they amass and funnelled it into the charity work, that would be one thing - but they don't. They spend it on themselves. It's like the tobacco industry spending a couple of bucks on prevention. If religion didn't conspire to keep our world at a level where it desperately needs the charity work, maybe I would be more open to that justification. As it stands, I think that's crap. -

Most people agree that people shouldn't make big life decisions when they are in despair or crisis, but this is the exact moment when religion admits to fully swooping in on people as the "answer" or the safe harbor for their pain and insecurity. What a crock of shit. There is little to no difference between prey and pray in this circumstance.

I reject the man-made gods, the man-made rules, the brainwashing, the all-foam no beer empty calorie lifestyle of group-think, cultism.

Taking advantage of the weak is so easy when they are brain-trained against self-reliance and self-esteem. Nobody would encourage a person to marry someone who made them feel bad about themselves. But the followers want you to join their cult which teaches people to hate themselves, feel they are sinners, hate their bodies, deny pleasure and joy, and generally go against the laws of human nature, science, physics.

WTF?

So we were thinking that if organized religion is counter intuitive to nature and logic, then what they reject - what they are against - MUST, by its definition, be correct. Like George from Seinfeld.

Welcome to Heed. Aptly named for it's vicious dogma and strict principles of unabashed, unrepentant, unapologetic hedonism.

A few years ago, we were sitting around reading two different books. These books were instrumental in forming not only our attitudes and behaviors, but the idea that there was a whole segment of society that was not only unrepresented, but totally ignored.

So, our recommended reading:

The Hedonism Handbook: Mastering the Lost Arts of Leisure and Pleasure by Michael Flocker

and

The Bad Girl's Guide to Getting Personal by Cameron Tuttle and Susannah Bettag
(There are many Bad Girls Guides - I recommend them all)

We have no rules, no tall tales of magic and miracles, no false heirarchy to tell you what to do, make you feel shitty, disenfranchise you in any way.

We have only one goal: The Pursuit of Pleasure for the Result of Joy.

I heard it even before you said it - what about the people who derive joy from hurting people? Shouldn't there be a rule about that?

No.

People who are going to hurt people to feel pleasure are going to do that anyway. We have nothing to offer them. Most people are born with an innate sense of ethics and morals. Organized religion sells the notion that they have cornered the market on morality and you have to go to them for it. That's also crap. You're born with it.

So, if you are deriving pleasure from the notion of vigorously pursuing pleasure, then read on.

Like most religions, we are just going to make it up as we go. But for this year - this year one as generations will call it - we are rolling out the holidays. We have no stories and no history on which to base the celebrations, so we are going to focus on the only thing absolutely certain to fulfill our mission and follow our hypothesis of doing the opposite - we are going to honor and celebrate the SEVEN DEADLY SINS.

Here they are:

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Pride

To fulfill some of today's Sloth, I have done all my research on Wikipedia.

We are assigning a Sin to each of the mainstream holidays - in the spirit of organized religion, which absorbes other faiths in order to more easily indoctrinate.

We recommend you make an effort to encorporate all the sins into each Festival, but one primary Sin is fully celebrated and explored.

Observe:

Thanksgiving - Day of Gluttony (subset Sins: Greed, Sloth, Wrath)
Christmas - Day of Greed (subset Sins: Envy, Pride, Sloth, Gluttony)
New Year's - Day of Sloth
Valentine's Day - Festival of Lust (subset Sins: Envy, Greed, Pride, Gluttony)
Ides of March (the 15th) - Day of Wrath
September 21st and November 5th - Festivals of Pride (all subsets in play)
July 4th - Festival of Envy (We're number 1!) (subsets: Gluttony, Pride)

Good Friday - Eat your weight in meat day.
Halloween - Eat your weight in candy day.
Superbowl Sunday - Scream at your TV day.

I don't know - we're making it up as we go along. If you can think of anything, let me know. We'll add it and even name it after you.

The most important thing is to be joyful and pursue pleasure. What a great world this would be if everyone spent their precious time and energy doing what brings them joy. The world would be such a better place. As my friend John says, "Happy people aren't dicks." So true. So very true.

I'm going to go now and eat until I am on the verge of being sick. I hope wherever you are, whatever or whomever you are doing, that you are pursuing joy and empty of pain, discomfort, guilt, and whatever crap was trained into you.

Or not. We are not the boss of you and we don't give a flying fuck.

Happy Day of Gluttony everyone!

Tinkle Down Economics

2008-10-16T14:49:00.000-07:00

I long for a day when we have a debate, political discourse, elections, coverage of any kind - that talks about how great we are doing.

I am nostalgic for the glory days of the Bill Clinton administration when we were all talking about how to make a good thing better. Even in those days, the creepy Republicans had to target him about a blow job to pursue their agenda of crap mongering and bait and switch.

When will the poor and disenfranchised realize that their lot in life never gets better with the Republicans? Only worse. When will they realize that Reaganomics forgot to take into account the inherent greed and stinginess in many, many uber-wealthy people. Money doesn't trickle down. It just doesn't.

Likewise the Republicans have gotten really great at putting forward the notion that taxes are bad and spending money on our populous is also bad. They say "it's your money, you should spend it, not government." Um, people suck at money. Witness the financial crisis with our elderly. If people were great with money we would have no need for Social Security or Medicare.

McCain is talking about a spending freeze. Easy to talk about when you own over a dozen cars and don't even know how many homes you own. It's easy to be cavalier with other people's money when you have plenty.

There are two things I want to point out - first, our country was designed for our government to act as a protective umbrella that serves the citizens with as even a playing field as possible. The men who constructed the Constitution, Bill of Rights, etc were wealthy but saw poverty and suffering all day, every day. Even if lifting up the lives of the poor was only an attempt to make the view from their own windows more palatable, I'll take it compared to the fucktards we have now who are trying to take the food out of people's mouths while they purport to be planning for the betterment of their welfare.

Second, our government was designed to not only try and provide opportunity through fairness, but was designed specifically NOT to give the wealthy an advantage because the framers understood that people who are monied ALREADY are at an advantage. A huge one.

Why the hell are we ever giving a tax cut to the wealthy? They don't need it. Money makes more money. And more money makes more money. Money begets itself brilliantly.

I am a new age hippy but I am also pro-money. Money can do a lot of things. Money can facilitate miracles.

I believe that when we cultivate a situation when our weakest and most disadvantaged are in peril and living through personal hells, that most likely the safety people feel who are not in those situations is only a sad illusion. When people are starving, crime rises. When people are sick, costs rise. When the planet is raped and polluted beyond repair, everyone is at risk. There is no advantage to anyone to victimize victims. If our most vulnerable are at least able to have the basics, they can focus on fulfilling their full human potential -which is why we are here in the first place.

All the studies show that the "American Dream" is, for all intents and purposes, a myth. There is virtually no movement between the classes. I think until the Republican'ts are given enough different information and different perspectives, they will never widen the angle of their lense and see a big picture.

My good friend built an empire back in the 90s and eventually took his company public. After a bit he walked away with a nice check, invaluable life experience, and an amazing story. He said that within that process, he encountered a different kind of business monster - the kind that was only happy with a deal if someone was getting hurt. I believe him, but it also saddens me.

Now I look to a man like Obama and his conduct, particularly in the debates. And the pundits voice their disappointment in him missing valuable opportunities, but what ever happened to dignity? Once something is said, it can never be unsaid, particularly because there is a camera on him constantly. Everything he does is forever recorded. I like that finally we have a man who takes his conduct seriously enough to say less and do more.

Perhaps (and I know there are creepy people in corporations who really control everything - blech) a man like Obama can be a new standard bearer for higher standards?

Hate Talk Express

2008-10-12T12:56:00.000-07:00

I find it interesting how John McCain wants to be the leader of this nation, allows his campaign to incite near rioting at their events - spewing the rhetoric of hate and fear - and comes out like he's totally unaware that it's happening until it happens right in his face.

This guy wants to LEAD our country?

Either he is allowing the ugliness and pretending it's not coming from him or he's driving the ugliness and pretending it's not coming from him. Either way, I have never seen anyone tamp down the mob mentality with such kid gloves. "I need you to love me and vote for me, but your scary behavior has to be stopped. How can I say the least and do the least I can get away with without turning you off?"

Haven't we had enough duplicity and obfuscation for one lifetime?

Perhaps his anger stems from a lifetime of getting close, but just missing the mark. This is not the "on pointe" behavior I require from a man who wants to be my President.

It also seems to be coming from a space of entitlement - like it's his turn. I remember during the 2000 election. McCain disappeared for about 48 hours. When he returned it was at Fort Lewis and he was pulling out of the campaign and endorsing "W". He looked like an innocent man who had been given a deal by the prosecution that he was unwillingly taking. I can only imagine the backroom deal he was offered. I like to think it went like this:

"Support Bush now and we'll back you in 2008. Or we'll ruin you."

"OK."

Sorry, Honey, but this is may be how you win the battle but lose the war. When you use your Hate Talk Express to try and convince bigoted, small minded, fearful mammals that you should be their King, you reap what you sow.

Winning the rat race still makes you a rat. So enjoy. Be King of the Rats. Roll back our country 40+ years.

And remember when this is done that you get to go home to a weird marriage to a woman you have openly called a cunt, to an office where being a "maverick" means reaching across the aisle to piss everyone off (and swear at people), to a nation of haters that you have wittingly stirred up even in the face of decades of progress.

Congratulations John McCain. You have, in your own way, failed at everything.

McCain and Label

2008-10-10T18:23:00.001-07:00

Just in case you aren't disgusted with the racist fucks at the McCain rallies, I want to put an idea in your mind.

This is an old story, but metaphorically is in the middle of playing itself out. And whether it be by McCain's own hand or the extension of the arm of the Republican Party, the violence, hatred, fear, and general stupidity of the Republicans at these rallies is just another day for a group of people who are being those values in action.

"Terrorist" - "Bomb Obama" - "Kill Him"

John McCain - shame on you. You have done the thing (again) that you tell yourself you don't do - you have sold your soul. None of us really know how the machinery of the universe runs, but I know that you cannot escape the natural laws. Each thing begets itself. You are running a campaign of the lowest order. Expect your comeuppance as it is surely quick on your heels.

Cain and Abel

The First Book of Moses, called Genesis

~And Adam knew Eve his wife; and she conceived, and bare Cain, and said, I have gotten a man from the LORD.
~And she again bare his brother Abel. And Abel was a keeper of sheep, but Cain was a tiller of the ground.
~And in process of time it came to pass, that Cain brought of the fruit of the ground an offering unto the LORD.
~And Abel, he also brought of the firstlings of his flock and of the fat thereof. ~And the LORD had respect unto Abel and to his offering:
~But unto Cain and to his offering he had not respect. And Cain was very wroth, and his countenance fell.
~And the LORD said unto Cain, Why art thou wroth? and why is thy countenance fallen?
If thou doest well, shalt thou not be accepted? and if thou doest not well, sin lieth at the door.
~And unto thee shall be his desire, and thou shalt rule over him.
~And Cain talked with Abel his brother: and it came to pass, when they were in the field, that Cain rose up against Abel his brother, and slew him.
~And the LORD said unto Cain, Where is Abel thy brother? And he said, I know not: Am I my brother's keeper?
~And he said, What hast thou done? the voice of thy brother's blood crieth unto me from the ground.
~And now art thou cursed from the earth, which hath opened her mouth to receive thy brother's blood from thy hand; When thou tillest the ground, it shall not henceforth yield unto thee her strength; a fugitive and a vagabond shalt thou be in the earth.
~And Cain said unto the LORD, My punishment is greater than I can bear.
Behold, thou hast driven me out this day from the face of the earth; and from thy face shall I be hid; and I shall be a fugitive and a vagabond in the earth; and it shall come to pass, that every one that findeth me shall slay me.
~And the LORD said unto him, Therefore whosoever slayeth Cain, vengeance shall be taken on him sevenfold.
~And the LORD set a mark upon Cain, lest any finding him should kill him.
~And Cain went out from the presence of the LORD, and dwelt in the land of Nod, on the east of Eden.
~And Cain knew his wife; and she conceived, and bare Enoch: and he builded a city, and called the name of the city, after the name of his son, Enoch.

_______________________________________

The Story of the Two Sons of Adam

The Koran

Recite to them the story of the two sons of Adam.
Truly when they offered an offering, and it was accepted from one of them, and was not accepted from the other, that one said, "I will surely kill thee."

He said, "God only accepts from those who fear. If thou dost stretch forth to me thine hand to kill me, I will not stretch forth mine hand to kill thee. Verily, I fear God, the Lord of the worlds. Verily, I wish that thou mayest draw upon thee my sin and thy sin, and be of the fellows of the Fire, for that is the reward of the unjust."

But his soul allowed him to slay his brother, and he slew him, and in the morning he was of those who lose. And God sent a crow to scratch in the earth and show him how he might hide his brother's shame [bury his naked corpse], he said, "Alas, for me! Am I too helpless to become like this crow and hide my brother's shame?"

And in the morning he was of those who did repent.

_________________________________________________

Kabil and Habil

Palestine

Kabil and Habil, or Cain and Abel, with their two sisters, were the first children born to Adam and Eve. Adam, by Allah's direction, ordered Cain to marry Abel's twin sister, and that Abel should marry Cain's, for it being the common opinion that marriages ought not to take place with those very near akin, such as their own sisters, it seemed reasonable to supose that they ought to take those of the remoter degree, but this Cain refused to, because his sister was the handsomer.
Hereupon Adam told them to take their offerings to Allah, thereby referring the dispute to His determination. Cain's offering was a sheaf of the very worst of his corn, but Abel's a fat lamb of the best of his flock.

Allah having declared His acceptance of the latter in a visible manner, Cain said to his brother, "I will certainly kill you."

Abel was the stronger of the two, and would easily have prevailed against his brother, but he answered, "If you stretch forth your hand against me, to slay me, I will not stretch forth my hand against you to slay you, for I fear Allah, the Lord of all creatures."

So Cain began to consider in what way he should effect the murder, and as he was doing so, the devil appeared to him in human shape, and showed him how to do it, by crushing the head of a bird between two stones.

Cain, having committed the fratricide, became exceedingly troubled in his mind, and carried the dead body on his shoulders for a considerable time, not knowing where to conceal it, till it stank horribly. And then Allah taught him to bury it by the example of a raven, who, having killed another raven in his presence, dug a pit with his claws and beak and buried him therein.

___________________________________________

Cain and Abel

Turkey

It is related that when our mother Eve bare Cain and Abel, she bare a daughter along with each. God Most High commanded the Messenger Adam, saying, "For the sake of their offspring, give to Cain the girl born with Abel, and give to Abel the girl born with Cain." The Messenger Adam did so.

Now the girl born with Cain was exceeding fair; and Cain said, "O father, let the girl born with him be his, and let the girl born with me be mine."

Adam answered, "God Most High commanded otherwise." But Cain loved that girl exceedingly; so he went and slew Abel. Thus because of a woman was blood first shed upon the ground.

_____________________________________________

Abel and Cain

Italy

They were two brothers. Abel greatly loved Cain, but Cain did not love so much the brother Abel.

Cain had no great will to work.

Abel, however, on the contrary, was greatly disposed to labor, because he had found it profitable. He was industrious in all, and at last became a grazier.

And Cain also, being moved by jealousy, wished to become a grazier, but the wheel did not turn for him as it did for Abel.

And Cain also was a good man, and set himself contentedly to work, believing that he could become as rich as his brother, but he did not succeed in this, for which reason he became so envious of Abel that it resulted in tremendous hate, and he swore to be revenged.

Cain often visited his brother, and once said to him, "Abel, you are rich and I am poor. Give me the half of your wealth, since you wish me so well!"

Then Abel replied, "If I give you a sum which you yourself could gain by industry, you should still labor as I do, and I will give you nothing, since, if you will work as I do, you will become as rich."

One day there were together Cain, Abel, and a merchant, whose name I forget. And one told that he had seen in a dream seven fat oxen and seven lean. And the merchant, who was an astrologer or wizard, explained that the seven fat oxen meant seven years of abundance, and the seven lean as many years of famine.

And so it came to pass as he foretold -- seven years of plenty and seven of famine.

And Cain, hearing this, thought, "During the seven years of plenty Abel will lay by a great store, and then I will slay him, and possess myself of all his goods, and thus I will take care of myself, and my brother will be dead."

No, Cain greatly loved God; he was good towards God, more so than Abel, because Abel, having become rich, never spoke more unto the Lord; and Abel would gladly have become a wizard himself.

Then Cain began to think how he could slay Abel and become a merchant in his place, and so went forth to cut wood.

One day he called his brother Abel, and said to him, "You are so rich, while I am poor, and all my work avails me little." And with that he gave Abel a blow with a knife, and dressed himself in his garments, and took a bundle of thorns on his back, and thus clad he took Abel's place as a merchant, believing that no one would recognize him as Cain.

And while thus buying and selling he met the merchant-wizard who had foretold the seven years of famine and of abundance. And he said, "Oh, good day, Abel," to make Cain believe that he was not discovered. But the oxen who were present all began to chant in chorus:

Do not call that person Abel;
It is Cain, do you not see it?
Cain who, for the greed of money,
Treacherously slew his brother,
And then clad him in his garments.
Now, O Cain! you will be summoned
Speedily unto the presence
Of the Lord, who had condemned you
Unto death for your great avarice.
Cain came before God.

O great God of endless mercy,
Thou who art so good and mighty,
Grant, I pray thee, grant me pardon
For the good I did while living!
Truly once, but for an instant,
I forgot myself, but deeply
I since then have long repented
That I slew my brother Abel.
But God replied:

A punishment thou shalt have because thou didst slay thy brother from a desire to become rich. Likewise thou didst meddle with witchcraft and sorceries, as did thy brother. And Abel made much money and was very rich, because he did not love God, but sorcerers. Albeit, ever good he never did evil things, and many good, wherefore God pardoned him. But thou shalt not be pardoned because thou didst imbrue thy hands in human blood, and, what is worse, in thy own brother's blood.
The punishment which I inflict is this:
The thorns which thou didst put upon thy brother are now for thee.

Thou shalt be imprisoned in the moon, and from that place shalt behold the good and the evil of all mankind.

And the bundle of thorns shall never leave thee, and every time when anyone shall conjure thee, the thorns shall sting thee cruelly. They shall draw thy blood.

And thus shalt thou be compelled to do that which shall be required of thee by the sorcerers or by conjuring, and if they ask of thee that which thou wilt not give, then the thorns shall goad thee until the sorceries shall cease.

_________________________________________

The First Grave

Poland

Adam and Eve were standing on the bank of a brook, and before them lay the corpse of Abel, who had been killed by Cain. As they sat there, not knowing what they should do with the corpse, suddenly a little bird fell from a nearby tree. The little bird was still very young and could not fly. The fall killed it. Adam and Eve looked at the dead bird and saw that it was a raven. Soon the old raven flew by, and when he saw that his young one was dead, he scratched a hole in the ground with his feet, and laid it inside. Then he scratched the hole full and flew away. Adam and Eve observed all this and followed the raven's example. They made a hole in the earth, laid Abel's corpse in it, and covered it with earth. This was the first human grave.

(Thanks to D.L. Ashliman for cobbling together the versions)

Gaze into my crystal ball...

2008-10-09T19:38:00.000-07:00

Not that I would ever want to give the McCain campaign - such as it is - any ideas, nor the world my secret strategies but...

I predict a poor report from the Troopergate investigation.

That report will give the creeps who actually run the Republican Party enough ammo to force a resignation from Sarah Palin from the ticket, and will allow for him to pick a new running mate. This might have a chance of bumping McCain in the polls and with the undecideds. (Honestly, how can you be undecided? It's a new low in stupidity.)

I know there are all sorts of proceedures and formalities - but they will do anything to win and dumping her would be a good start.

OR

John McCain - never one to admit when he is wrong - he just quietly changes his mind without acknowledging it and does something new and even more bizarre - will keep her because he is locked into this flying deathtrap of a run for President of the United States of America.

The McCain campaign has already issued a statement in advance of the releasing of the information stating that Governor Palin is exonerated from any and all real or perceived wrongdoing.

I can't wait for tomorrow. It's like Christmas Eve for me.

Sarah Palin, Beauty Queen Music Video

2008-10-08T18:31:00.000-07:00

For you, Governor Palin. On this Yom Kippur, I encourage you to reflect.

I am Woman, watch me wink...

2008-10-04T13:13:00.000-07:00

Good grief.

Just when I think we have plunged head-first into a new millennium, I am reminded that the fundamentals of our gender differences make the present very confusing but interesting to analyze.

As a species, we have come a very long distance in a very short time. We are asking our intellectualism to be able to consistently trump our biology. A worthy goal in certain circumstances, but foolish to believe we can actually achieve a permanent state of mind over matter.

I shortcut now to the two women in the forefront of the world stage in representing my gender - Hillary Clinton and Sarah Palin - neither of which have integrated their power with their femininity in a way that is compelling or appropriate.

Hillary is put together well. I commend her for developing her brain, for embracing life-long learning, and for putting her energy into the service of others (Regardless of anyone's opinion, she believes she is. She could have always chosen a life of private practice which would have been far more lucrative and could have served herself first like most lawyers do).

As I watched her struggle with her own power and struggle with how she was being perceived, I was struck with a sadness that she was ignoring her own innate femininity and manning up to try and prove that she could go head to head with the big boys. Why, I don't know. It seems like so many of them are already scared to death of her. Her rejection of her own womanhood made her a turn-off to me in many ways. If you're going to offer a matriarchy, tap into your power, don't reject it.

This country has been beset with violence, rape, torture, theft, lies, betrayal... I could go on. Pretty much entirely perpetrated by men. Sorry, but true. Stupid, stupid men.

The country needs Mom more than ever. Smart, fierce, lioness Mom. Professional Mom. Open-hearted, caregiver Mom. Teacher Mom. Doctor Mom. Lead by example Mom. Too cool for school Mom. Still going to rock concerts Mom. Mad for her family and singularly focused on what is good and what is right Mom.

The Mom who wants you to do your homework, work hard, tell the truth, take good care of yourself, honor your fellow beings, care for the planet, keep your room clean, and be true to yourself.

Mom who inspires you with love, hope, and abiding support.

Our planet and this country in particular will never come into harmony and balance until the female energy is even with the male. (And this is no commentary on homosexuality at all. I wish the world were 50% gay so everyone would just shut up already. It's a non-issue.)

Now let's take Sarah Palin. Very much the opposite of Hillary, uses her overt femininity to cajole and manipulate. I think she believes that the glasses make her some kind of female Clark Kent. Her debate behavior was appalling. Just the winking itself was so embarrassingly contrived that the only thing more infuriating than her doing it was that it apparently was very effective on the men.

Palin was a beauty queen - in and of itself, not a big deal. But she has apparently used her feminine wiles to move into positions of power with only her smile and her bible to guide her decision-making. Her quest for power is palpable. Her disingenuous, aw shucks, darn it, mavericky, ever folksier, hockey momish, joe sixpack, small town "charm" is truly an insult to every woman who has worked her ass off in this world to be authentically and legitimately successful.

She is only bright enough to come off as charming. Not bright enough to realize when she is fabricating information, nor to know when she is out of her league. She is master of nothing. Except maybe putting herself together. I encourage everyone to LISTEN to her without WATCHING her. When one is not distracted, one can hear the holes, the muddled thinking, the lack of substance, the fear, and the confusion.

The Bigger Picture.

My best girls and I have been analyzing the women of today - most especially in Seattle where women have made dressing down, being crunchy, and embracing their inner gender-free human an art form.

REI and Lands End have done women such a disservice to strip away the importance of femininity to our current crop. Listen, you are not camping - leave the polar fleece and hiking boots in the closet.

My own journey to embrace womanhood is a great adventure. Everyone, including me, has to put the messages, opinions, training, childhood experiences, under a microscope to decide if that information serves us or harms us. Then we devour or choke on it. I am in constant awe of the truth that we are FREE TO DO WHAT WE WANT in this life and have only ourselves to answer to. No, it's true. Ask Gandhi or Ted Bundy. Free will is money, honey.

Recently my friends and I were observing a group of women coming from a big time Jesus rally. Most of them were either in prairie dresses or polo shirts and khakis. We pretty much looked the opposite of that and received many ugly, judgemental sneers. Ironic (and self-affirming for us), but sad for my gender.

I am all for people feeling great about themselves just the way they are, but there is a very important biological factor that most women forget. MEN ARE VISUALLY STIMULATED. Don't put your pretty, sexy girl in the garage, your sex drive in the garbage, shut off your creativity and withdraw from the thing that connects you to your mate in the most important and personal way and then be mad when he loses interest in you.

I hear constant complaints and watch constant examples in the media of the gender imbalances that plague our society. Observe:

Dumb husband and smart, cute wife.
Dumb husband and angry, frustrated, cute wife.
Dumb husband and bitchy, cute wife.

Is it our flaws that make us interesting? Or do women regard men as dumb and incompetent and feel a sense of self-justification in watching the stereotype played out on TV - while men just seek the cute wife and will put up with the contemptuous behavior because of the hope of sex later?

Do we find comfort in the husband making bad choices and not knowing any better and the wife exercising carte blanche in dressing him down like a child? Do real men and their media counterparts just want a mommy? If so, ick. And perhaps that's why real-life relationships turn out like two sad roommates - men don't get that women don't want to sex up a man who acts like her child. And women don't get that men want to stare at and sex up the cute woman they fell in love with.

So maybe we're back to Mom. Here's the rub: Mom's job is to turn children into self-sufficient adults. America's Mom (whenever we finally elect her) will need to do the same thing with America.

I long for a day when men can look at the blatant manipulation of a Sarah Palin - enjoy her beauty - but then dismiss her as the lightweight douche bag she is. I long for a day when a Hillary Clinton can embrace a great source of her power - the divine feminine - without seeing it as a weakness or thinking others will. There's a way to achieve this. Just ask Queen Rania of Jordan, Corazon Aquino, and President Mary McAleese of Ireland among many others.

There have been many countries who have had female leaders. (... in fact Panama, Finland, Ireland, Great Britain, San Marino, India, Switzerland, South Africa, Argentina, Israel, Chile, Liberia, Austria, Serbia, Indonesia, The Phillipines, Latvia, Ecuador, Liberia, Sri Lanka, Burundi, Nicaragua, East Germany, Haiti, Iceland have all had female heads of state in the past 40 years.) Perhaps one day we can take a page from their book. But unfortunately I don't believe we will until a woman comes forward who transcends our current ideals and truly possesses the qualities that will move and affect the majority of our populous. She will need to display what this nation requires to bring us finally into balance for the good of all species and the planet.

Black Monday

2008-09-29T23:12:00.000-07:00

We're rounding out the end of September with a bang. The Stock Exchange - which real economists admit rise and fall because of "feelings" instead of factual data - fell so far it set a new record.

I watched our embarrassment of a Congress (of whom the Republicans STILL do not understand that blindly promoting the cutting of taxes and trickle down economics are crap theories) push this bill like it's a bad smell and think that rushing is a good idea for a 700 Billion Dollar butterfly dressing on this big fat fucking mess.

I saw a picture of Heather Locklear - darling of the eighties - after being booked on suspicion of a DUI. Even with the economy in a shambles you'd think she'd have cab money.

I'm watching our borderline retarded populous finally start coming around on the whole McCain/Palin thing. Of course this means nothing in another fixed election.

(Personal aside: So many of my close friends are very, very smart. Always have been. I love hearing all sides of issues and then give myself over to my exquisitely painful internal struggle of wrestling the percentages of buy-in from my psyche.)

I have one close friend who is so fed up with the nonsense and rhetoric that there was voiced a possible vote for Ralph Nader. I can see wanting to vote for Nader, but not actually voting for Nader.

I want anyone and everyone to know that although I respect Ralph Nader in a myriad of ways, I think supporting a third party that has no chance is a little more altruism than we can afford. If anyone actually votes for him, (I will still love you but) please don't tell me or I will be forced to kick you in the taint.

Tomorrow I will begin a journey - much like Jim Morrison in the desert - to find a better, greater truth than I have known before. It will include an escape plan in case this election goes to McCain, because if this is what it means to be an American, I am very iffy right now about that club. I am open to suggestions - I am thinking Costa Rica. Somewhere tropical where the majority of the land is at least 20 feet above sea level.

Debate notes from one who was drunk (9/26/08 debate):

2008-09-27T08:58:00.000-07:00

Here are my debate notes from the Obama/McCain borefest from Friday, September 26th, 2008. I have found my thinking to be much clearer on the subtext of the candidate's messages and my own subconscious when I have had a gallon of vodka. See if you agree with Drunk Julie on any points:

Actual scribble during debate:

~People are fundamentally dumb.

Sober elaboration:

~We still haven't really progressed that far intellectually with all the "evolving" and such that "scientists" talk about. Democrats have got to stop addressing the American people like they understand complex thoughts and arguments cause they don't. When my kids are sick and argue with me about taking their medicine I tell them it's for their own good. Perhaps this is one of those times.

Actual scribble during debate:

~People are dumb and smart people think they can raise their game but they can't. Like the handicap of no arm or no leg.

Sober elaboration:

~You can't fix stupid. I think the trick for the Democrats is to simplify without pandering, placating, or framing thoughts in a condescending way.

Actual scribble during debate:

~We have to fund destruction - nuclear power/oil - when we have wind and solar.

Sober elaboration:

~Why are either of the candidates in favor of oil or nuclear power when they have such horrible consequences? Why more nuclear power plants? Why is McCain asking Obama to be in favor of more nuclear power plants? WHY WOULD ANYONE BE IN FAVOR OF NUCLEAR POWER PLANTS???

Actual scribble during debate:

~What better thing could the government do than invest money in its citizens? It's reshuffling the wealth to raise up the low.

Sober elaboration:

~The ongoing debate about welfare and subsidies for low-income families, students, etc boggles the mind. Why wouldn't our government use funds to invest in this country's citizens? Why doesn't a better, more educated workforce make sense? Why doesn't helping people who are in trouble make sense? Why is it okay for a church to help people but not our government? Investing in people - especially if the American worker is our greatest commodity - makes all the sense in the world. PEOPLE are the only thing we are always and ever really talking about anyway.

Actual scribble during debate:

~We are so arrogant to "plan" our exit from a war that we ourselves started. Like planning a divorce from a forced wedding - double the insult for the bride.

Sober elaboration:

~Yeah - WTF? We invade you, we rape you, we bomb the shit out of you, (for your own good), then we have to carefully plan when we are going to feel like stopping doing all those things. That's why they call it a "pull out".

Actual scribble from debate:

~Kill Bin Laden/ Crush Al-Qaida

Sober elaboration:

~Why is Obama pandering by talking about killing and crushing? HEY!! You seem very presidential already! Killing and crushing language lowers you to reptilian levels and dampens your light. Cut it out.

Actual scribble from debate:

~Republicans ACTUALLY REALLY THINK if you cut taxes on rich companies that they actually will bring the jobs back here. But there will always be a country that has a lower tax rate to ship jobs to.

Sober elaboration:

~Wake up. Big companies will always be about profits and will never sacrifice even pennies to re-invent the glory of the American worker and bolster this country by bringing those jobs home. Cutting taxes on those companies only improves their bottom line. This is one of the great fantasies repeated to the gullible, desperate, blindly patriotic patsies to rape them even more. There will always be another foreign country willing to do more for less. No matter how deep we cut the taxes, they will always underbid because cost of living is lower nearly everywhere.

Actual scribble during debate:

~The market can always solve it's own problems.

Sober elaboration:

~Obama stated that Republicans believe that the market can always solve its own problems. What's true is that the ideal state of existence is an amalgamation of many different kinds of societies and governmental models. Capitalism, Communism, Socialism, Fascism, Oligarchy, Dictatorship, Monarchy - all have something to offer and the system most ideally suited for our current human condition has to eventually apply ideas from all of them. Until humans understand that the lines we have drawn on the earth are imaginary and that we are all one people, this kind of stupidity and naivete will continue to pollute thinking and the resulting actions and people will continue to suffer.

And my question to all those who have allowed their own greed and competitive natures to go unchecked I ask: how much is enough? Having all the money in the world is nice I guess, but you are probably still a douche-bag. In the end you will be remembered for your douche-baggery and not your money. Just something to think about.

Actual scribble from debate:

~Stay on one point to reinforce the brainwashing. They walk with one grievance and it trumps complex thought.

Sober elaboration:

~The Republicans have got it down. I don't know if it's that their candidates are only capable of remembering a couple of points and hammering them home or that their constituents are only capable of synthesizing sound bytes and regurgitating the "message" but either way it is revolting. I get it. Obama "doesn't understand". But he does. The Democrats have to decide if they want to employ these tactics - because they work. Repetition. Repetition. Repetition. It imprints!!!! Imprint the voters you dumb-asses. Anyone who has ever had a toddler who insists on listening tot he same song or watching the same video over and over knows this. Repeat the message. And use small words. People aren't very smart.

Actual scribble from debate:

~You can't make people smarter even if you educate them.

Sober elaboration:

~I think that one stand on its own.

Actual scribble from debate:

~Is sounding educated as much of a convincing persuader as folksiness? Why does folksy seem more desirable? Cause people are fundamentally dumb.

Sober elaboration:

~Why is it more important to the American people to vote for someone who they would more want to have a beer with than someone who is intelligent? Why would anyone NOT want a President who is smart - and particularly smarter than them. Being the leader of the free world requires intelligence. We have certainly seen the consequences of having a President who according to CNN is a "high functioning moron".

Actual scribble from debate:

~Peace is a higher concept and the reason the dumb people love war is that they are close to their caveman instincts.

Sober elaboration:

~Violence, revenge, domination, force, are all very remedial ways to engage your species. Very short bus. If the Democrats want to promote and provoke positive change they will need to inspire;, they have to lift people above those feelings and illustrate a better landscape.

Actual scribble from debate:

~Only people of "balls" don't need "pre-condition".

Sober elaboration:

~Pre-condition: stop your nukes before we will talk to you. Preparation: time, place, meeting agenda.

Actual scribble from debate:

~"Pre-condition" is thru diplomacy so why shouldn't that be top-down?

Sober elaboration:

~I want a President who pursues diplomacy viciously.

Actual scribble from debate:

~Knowing the names of world leaders does not make you fluent in foreign policy.

Sober elaboration:

~Going to a bunch of foreign countries does not make you a leader, nor does it make you right, nor does it make you an expert in the nuances of their societies. I have vacationed in Puerto Vallarta. It does not mean I know what it is to be Mexican.

Actual scribble from debate:

~I want a President who uses the word "orgy" - not one who uses the words "hole" and "sheet".

Sober elaboration:

~John McCain is clenched, impervious, rigid and always, always RIGHT. Very dangerous and very un-sexy. Although I did enjoy his massive spray-on tan.

Actual scribble from debate:

~Would we welcome Russia to come in and "liberate" us from our government or would we resent them for it and fight?

Sober elaboration:

~America is filled with the most arrogant, self-righteous prigs on the planet. We have no right being the world's police. Especially through violence.

Actual scribble from debate:

~"No soldier ever dies in vain." - Obama

Sober elaboration:

~Maybe every soldier dies in vain. Maybe all soldiers die in vain because war is ridiculous.

Actual scribble from debate (post-debate punditry):

~Iran - they deserve "the bomb" because they have national pride.

Sober elaboration:

~A journalist in Iran said that the Iranian people want their government to have the bomb because they deserve it as much as any other country. The Iranian people love their country and do not want to be seen as a terrorist state, nor a second class country. The people are in favor of their government developing nuclear weapons so that they can contend. I am sure they will welcome us with open arms when we invade them for their own good.

______________

A footnote - I think Sarah Palin was smart for refusing to appear anywhere or on any network or on any show. Save your skills for next Thursday. The country knows what a great orator you are and are confident in your command of the issues. And remember to look cute and infinitely fuckable. Thank goodness so many men are still controlled by their dicks to the exclusion of their brains. It makes them so easily controlled.

Malled by the Baracuda...

2008-09-17T15:52:00.000-07:00

So today I'm walking through the mall and as I see Sarah Palin coming out of the Yankee Candle Superstore. She was wearing a shirt that said "MILFs for Jesus" and was carrying a huge bag from Wilson's Leather.

So I carefully go up to her and ask, "Governor Palin, don't you think forcing your pregnant, underage daughter into a loveless, shotgun marriage for the sake of your career makes you a terrible mother and the lowest of people?"

I don't think she heard me because she started humming "Onward Christian Soldiers" and headed for the exit. Outside the mall she encountered a woman walking her new puppy. She screamed "Wolf!" - pulled out a handgun - and shot the puppy in the face.

By the time the mall security arrived, she was gone in a puff of black suits, sunglasses, and Axe body spray.

No more Bellevue Square for me.

Don't taunt the caged tiger.

2008-09-16T16:12:00.000-07:00

So yesterday I'm out with John McCain eating some Pho - which is delicious and so good for the soul - when I ask him if he is elected whether he would be in favor of reinstituting a national currency thereby emancipating us from the Federal Reserve.

He gets this crazy look in his eye, starts screaming like a howler monkey and calling me a trollope and a cunt. I said "dude, you can't talk to me like that - I'm not your wife".

Then he clubbed my ankle and ran away.

I knew Pho was a bad idea.