The Haystack

Dear facebook, google, spokeo, and all you other fucking assholes-

Most people are goofy and super boring. I know you think stealing everyone's information is a good business practice and sneaking around in the name of what? marketing and national security or whatever your lameass greedy stupidity that passes for rationalization is telling you - but leave people alone. Your greed and what passes for "natural curiosity" is an abomination and you should be punched in the junk repeatedly.

Chapter 2

Now as most people know, this universe is a fascinating place. For instance, in this universe, that which receives attention - grows. Also, that focused intention will often bring the desired result. But you must be careful.

So five years had past since the royal wedding and things seemed to be coming along nicely. The young princes were busy growing and learning and the Kingdom was beginning to thrive.

But the mind and the heart are very tricky things. And deep in the heart and mind of both the King and the Queen was the want of a daughter. And this want began to consume them.

Each day, the Queen would long to put a little girl in dresses and brush her hair into ringlets. Each day the King would long to bounce a smiling girl on his knee. A girl who would be different. Who would have a gentle girl's temperament and would not vex him so.

Years past and still the longing grew. And unbeknownst to them, a girl was in their future. Just over the horizon.

Meanwhile, the Princes were coming along nicely. They were doing well at their studies - Dasich in particular. His royal tutors recommended he study along with his elder brother, Dases. Dases was a natural at games and sports. And Dasuberich was very clever and had lots of charm. They were each natural leaders and their many talents shone through among the others of their age.

Three long years passed and so her surprise and delight, the Queen found herself again with child. If only this one is a girl, it would be the fulfillment of her greatest and most powerful wish. The King and the Queen turned their thoughts to The Crutch and pleaded.

The Crutch makes many promises. A very terrible villain once asserted that falsehoods and fake promises would be accepted by people only if they were so colossal that no one would believe that someone could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously. And so the King and Queen believed that their future and the future of their unborn child was in the hands of The Crutch. And so they thought. And they waited.

Finally, the day came for the new baby to be born. The young princes waited with anticipation. The 1st Prince was already halfway to manhood and as the eldest, planned to protect her as he had done with his brothers. The 2nd Prince waited with quiet calm and prepared to be his most helpful as he had been with his younger brother.

The 3rd Prince was not as prepared as his brothers. He had been the youngest for over five years and was quite used to his position in the family and the focused attention of the Queen whom he loved fervently and considerably more than she knew. This new baby would usurp his position. And the Queen seemed entirely too excited.

The baby was born. The Kingdom waited with great anticipation. Finally, the King emerged:

"It's a girl."

And there was much rejoicing.

Up in the royal bedchambers, the Queen stared at the new Princess. It had finally happened. She had been born to them and now they were complete. The King joined her. And they stared at the new Princess. And they searched their hearts for what they would call her. What do you name your heart's ultimate desire?

"Desiree."

And she was brought to The Wholly Crutch in fine garments and washed in lie. These were before the truly dark days. But they were about to begin.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Desiree was a happy baby and was showered with presents and gifts. The King and Queen doted on the new Princess and the Princes loved their new sister, but very differently. One as her protector, one as her caretaker, and one with great caution.

As the Kingdom rejoiced at her birth, the 3rd Prince, who was very clever and observant, noticed the new and different sparkle in the eyes of his mother and the new and different twinkle in the smile of his father when they regarded her. His already tender and fragile heart broke and he began to change.

End of Chapter 2.

A Fable for our Times.

Once Upon a Time...

...there was a King and Queen. The King was known to have had a mighty temper, but later would mellow with age. The Queen was known to value beautiful surroundings, beautiful words, and perfection above all things. She was ofter overheard saying things like, "If all is beautiful, then what could be wrong?"

They presided over a kingdom that for its first 45 years was guided by the rules of the time called "The Wholly Crutch". Some of the rules of the "Crutch" were very cruel like repeating poetry to alter the natural pathways of the thinking parts. Another cruel practice was to scrub all the residents of the kingdom with a soap called "lie". These practices, among many others, caused terrible and permanent harm.

The Wholly Crutch exerted influence over many Kingdoms in many different lands. It had great wealth and great power and used that power to gain even more power. Even to those who understood The Crutch for what it was were puzzled as to how to stop it.

This made it much harder for the King and Queen to rule as they would have wished had they been raised without these practices. They had lived with the poems and the "lie" for so long, that though it made no logical sense, it felt normal and natural. They had been discouraged from questioning and exploring their natural instincts to investigate (another devious practice), and so the early years of their reign was almost entirely influenced by the power of The Crutch.

At the beginning of their reign, they were only barely out of childhood. However, they found themselves very luckily in love and were hopeful about their future. Shortly after the wedding, and in the many ways of men, the King found himself called to battle, and the Queen was left behind, and with child.

Following the rules of The Wholly Crutch, the Queen prepared to produce an heir. She waited patiently for the King's return and did her best to beautify the castle. The Wholly Crutch demanded Princes. And so she waited.

Barely a year after the royal wedding, the 1st Prince of the kingdom was born.

The 1st Prince, Dases, was beautiful. But was born with a broken heart. The King and Queen took the baby to the Healing Temple for the Shaman to repair him, which he did, but the original wound would haunt him for his entire life.

The King and Queen were rightly devastated by the ordeal of possibly losing their firstborn. They spent much time thinking about The Wholly Crutch and how it could help their baby. But The Wholly Crutch does not have such powers. Eventually, the Prince recovered. The Crutch received quiet thanks for help it had not actually given.

Devious are the ways of The Crutch.

The King went off to battle shortly thereafter. And due to the rules of The Crutch, the Queen found herself again with child.

As the fable is told, the Queen wept and wept. She had just survived the ordeal of nearly losing her first child, and now another was on the way. And she was so young and so alone. Instead of the news being greeted with joy, it was greeted with pain and sorrow.

The 2nd Prince, Dasich, was healthy. But his birth came with the price of severe hardship. And though he was loved, the pallor that surrounded his conception would become a quiet theme for his lifetime.

The King and Queen reigned as best they could. The King was barely of age and had experienced a lack of quietly confident masculinity to model himself after. He had many struggles with himself and with his tempers.

The Queen found herself often overwhelmed. At a time when she would have otherwise been developing into a worldly woman, she had two infants.

And another one on the way.

The 3rd Prince of the Kingdom, Dasuberich, was spirited and independent. These were excellent traits to have with what was to follow.

Though the Kingdom was beautiful and full of promise, three young and active princes were a lot of work. Soon, they were seen as a group or a pack. Though there were mighty squabbles, the closeness of their birth made them intensely bonded. They gained an understanding of each other that was even beyond the grasp of their parents.

For five years, the King and Queen and their Kingdom watched the Princes grow. They were all handsome, all intelligent, all great warriors, and had great gifts. What was similar about them strengthened their bond, and what was different strengthened it even more.

As was tradition, they were taught the ways of The Wholly Crutch. They repeated the poems, the ritual of "lie", they were bathed in the waters and dressed in the costumes. They were instructed not to question. They looked to the King and Queen and the King and Queen looked on.

End of Chapter 1.

I'm just "keepin it real" too, you sad, strange little man.

I guess this is a week for really bad manners.

First, Representative Douche from some Carolina - I don't really know which and it probably does not matter - yells out (and is just plain wrong and stupid) at our President.

Now Kanye.

Now those of you who know me, and I assume that anyone reading this does, know that I do not generally care about things of this nature. I don't watch MTV, I don't listen to the music of Taylor Swift OR Kanye West, I don't think shows that award "best-of"s are important when it comes to the arts. Art is subjective.

But watching the shock and embarrassment of a lovely young woman whose moment and dignity were stolen by an insecure, immature, paranoid, spotlight grubbing, classless, irrelevant hack.

I am old enough to be Taylor Swift's mom and as I watched her face - confused, shocked, crestfallen, embarrassed - I felt a combination of emotions that culminated in a little bit of anger. An emotion that I experience rarely, but when I do, it usually will result in some ranting. What if that were MY daughter up there? Holy hell.

I am old enough to remember when videos made entertainers. I remember when MTV was in its infancy, when it was in its heyday, when it jumped the shark. It represents everything good and bad about media, it shaped careers, it cock blocked talented, deserving people from achieving their goals. MTV is a mix of everything.

Money and fame don't buy you class. They don't buy you manners. They don't buy you a sense of propriety. The very thing that can make a person famous can expose their true self if they decide to publicly vomit up their own undoing.

Beyonce is kind of a mystery to me. Her music is fine. Her passion and commitment are impressive. I think she is overexposed and should sometimes turn down things she isn't right for like dance numbers with Hugh Jackman. But her beauty, dignity and compassion last night make me a admirer of her, the person.

Finally, the only real way to make a person like Kanye go away is to ignore them. So I will. Starting............ now.

It's true, my birthday is fast approaching.

Hello Gentle Readers,

As you may or may not know, my birthday is almost upon us. And by that I mean about a month out.

In an effort to help, I will tell you now what I want more than anything else in the world:

A Michael Jackson Hair Diamond.

Apparently, some people have gotten a hold of his hair (oh sweet jeebus SOMEBODY find out how they got his hair and tell me). Their cunning plan is to reduce it to carbon and then press it into a diamond. Diamond(S) plural. Oh yes.

http://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/chi-talk-michael-jackson-hairjul29,0,5500867.story

I will accept all Michael Jackson Hair Diamonds in any form you wish to express your love for me. But I would really like one in a giant tiara I can wear around.

Chase Bank, you clever girl...

So the Battle in Seattle with Chase Bank goes like this...

Both of the kids had their savings accounts at WaMu. I received two letters from them in the past month. The essence of which was this:

Dear Ms. Mains - we noticed you had this account with WaMu. In order to keep the account with Chase, you will need to sign the bottom of this form, detach it, insert it into stamped and addressed envelope provided, and return it to us. Otherwise we will turn over the funds to the FDIC. Thanks.

Here's the catch - there was NO ENVELOPE provided and NO HINT about where it needed to be mailed.

Now, there isn't a ton of money in their accounts, but the accounts are THEIRS, not mine.

So I drive over to Chase and give them the slips. They tell me they don't know where the forms go, either. In fact, they puzzle over the forms for a few minutes.

So I ask them what I am supposed to do.

After many moments of consultation, they decide that if I simply deposit a small amount of money, that it will suffice to provide the amount of "transferability" to Chase from WaMu.

Money is so 1980s. Barter system anyone??

Location, location, location...

Upon visiting Jennifer at Northwest Hospital yesterday, I noticed that the cemetary is conveniently located RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET.

How lucky is that?

Not for Jenn, but for others.

When I inquired of the parking attendant if the peopple who died in the hospital were taken across to the cemetary for convenient and expedient burial, she just looked at me like I was crazy.

I am still awaiting an answer.